LUCKY ME, a recruiter named Lisa with Reliance Consulting spied my resume on Monster.com and called me about a job at the corporate office of a well-known bank in their mortgage department. Doing what exactly, I don’t know. The job description is very vague, but I assumed I could find out more in an interview.
For the sake of simplicity, this financial institution will be called Mega Bank. After a brief Q & A with Lisa, my resume was shuffled through cyberspace to Mega’s HR department.
Three days later, Mega Bank offered me the job simply based on my resume! WTF? Ya know, I get I’m totally awesome, LOL, but I wouldn’t hire me without at least a 10-minute chat on the phone. I could be a complete moron who paid a lot of money for a really sharp resume. However, since I REALLY didn’t like the temp job I was on at the time (don’t even get me started on that), I accepted the position.
Then, of course, comes the real fun. I spent 2.5 HOURS completing the online application for Reliance listing every single employer for the last 10 years along with their address, phone number and email. AGAIN – WTF?
When I reached the bitter, bleary-eyed end of their cyber forms, I had a little panic attack because I didn’t have the email addresses or phone number for 2 of my previous supervisors from a decade ago because I’d lost touch with them. I emailed Lisa explaining I had to put incorrect information – because I couldn’t complete this pre-employment malarkey without putting SOMETHING in the field for phone number and email address.
Lisa got very confused and emailed me that neither of the supervisors I mentioned were ones I’d given for references. Though I explained via email and voicemail that I was talking about managers from a decade ago, I never got to discuss this issue with her. And I’ve been concerned for 2 weeks that I’ll be accused of providing FALSE info. No red flags yet, but I still don’t have a start date for this new job, so who knows.
Then, the next day, I received an email from Lisa with a .pdf attached of YET ANOTHER APPLICATION!!! No, I’m not making this shit up. Apparently, all the online documentation was ONLY for the background check. For the actual application for Reliance, I had to PRINT OUT a paper app in 6 POINT FONT with tiny little boxes about 1/8″ tall where I had to HAND WRITE my entire job history AGAIN and answer 22 questions in regard to my favorite work environment (large or small company)/preferred hours, etc. And, no, t’was not the kind of .pdf you can type upon. The recruiter requested that I write legibly and to scan/email it upon completion.
This is unbelievable! I should write the damned thing in crayon!! YES – NEON BLUE fucking CRAYON! Or better yet…I’ll bet I could get enough blood out of my thumb to write it in my rare vintage of human vino, and it’s such a lovely shade of RED!!!
I could use a toothpick, dip it in a little puddle of blood, and use the toothpick like a QUILL. Is that not brilliant? And that’d be a lot easier than using a pen, given the space restrictions.
Why the hell can’t they just email that list of questions and allow their applicants to email the answers back? That’s how I gave them my references. They could print out/scan the answers if they want this info to be on their database or whatever, which they’ll have to do with the paper app – instead of trying to explain why I left each job in a box that was barely 1 1/2 inches long.
And though this job pays considerably more than the job at the Publishing Company, which didn’t work out (long story), I have to wonder why they need SO MUCH INFO? Do they really think that being so thorough in their selection process is going to stop me from quitting, or weed out the undesirable employees? I think not.
And I’ll bet astronauts don’t fill out as much paperwork when they apply to NASA!!! Or maybe they do, but they’re going into space, people, SPACE!
I’m going to be a paper pusher, living in a cubicle. When I worked for Household Finance in ’99 as an account executive, we did everything. Outbound sales, taking loan apps for mortgage and personal loans, processing all the paperwork required prior to loan approval, and we churned out all the closing docs as well. The application for that job was ONE PAGE, accompanied by a personality quiz that took about 20 minutes. And that was it.
Household was a revolving door of employees and probably still would be if they added a couple reams of paperwork. One girl went to lunch during our 2nd week and never returned. And not to worry, she didn’t meet with foul play. I saw her wedding announcement in the newspaper 3 months later. I guess Household Finance’s get ’em to sign on the dotted line or die tryin’ attitude was just too much for her. Couldn’t blame her there. I hated that job, and, t’was not unhappy when I got laid off 6 months later.
ANYWHO, at this point, you’re probably thinking that’s the end of this pre-employment nonsense. Um…NOT. So. Much.
When I went to Reliance’s office downtown to complete my tax forms, I couldn’t find their office, and NO ONE answered the phone. And I let it ring 20 times! When I finally found it, the receptionist said they’d been having issues with the phone system, and he had no record of my appointment. AWESOME. Ten minutes later, he talked to someone in their Chicago office, and I was given the I-9 and the W4.
In order to work at Mega, you have to get fingerprinted/have a BCI check done because of all the confidential info you’re privy too. So, I left my temp job and drove as fast as my silver bullet could manage in 4:30 traffic to Mega’s branch near OSU where I’ll be working, and the security guard who runs the scanner had just left 2 minutes prior. Sigh. The next day, I snuck out of my temp job early and made it to Mega by 4:44 this time, and lo, and behold…I was told…
“Sorry contractors have to go to our Gateswood location.”
Are you FUCKING kidding me? GROAN and insert angry EXPLETIVES here! :) Especially since the both the northside location and the one at Gateswood mall are 20, yes TWENTY, miles from my house. Compensation for gas anyone? Um. No.
I quit my temp job so I could finish all this pre-employment crap, and I drove to Mega’s Gateswood location the next day. The security guard, Ms. Weatherby, had trouble getting my prints to scan. I don’t know why, but I always have this problem. When I applied for a teaching job at Hilliard Schools, their scanner couldn’t read my prints either. And I had to drive all the way out to London, Ohio – 30 miles away. And the fingerprint scanner at the tanning salon I frequent acts like I’m invisible. But anywho…
“You may have to go to the northside,” said Ms. Weatherby with a sigh.
“I was told that all contractors have to get fingerprinted here.”
So, she called a supervisor for assistance who could see the scanner remotely. She kept scanning and kept clicking OVERRIDE, and 10 minutes later, my prints were in the system.
“It’ll take 24 to 48 hours to get the results,” Ms. Weatheryby said, i.e. verifying I don’t have a criminal record.
THANK GOD cuz I’m running out of cash, and I still haven’t gotten my first unemployment check from getting laid off from Jeans, Inc. (another long, tedious story).
Four days without a word. I called Lisa who said they were still waiting on the BCI check.
On day six, I emailed Lisa that if I didn’t hear something soon, I’d have to seek employment elsewhere. Five minutes later, she called me.
“There are questions about your background check.”
“What do you mean?” I asked in a panic. For chrissakes, the only time I’ve ever gotten arrested was when I was 17…yeah, funny story…feel free to check it out at…
She gave me the phone number for Andrew somebody at Mega in New York.
“We got a reprint request on the 13th and the 18th. The scans weren’t good enough to run your prints,” Andrew explained.
Then, why the fuck couldn’t they have told someone at Reliance before now?
Holy fuckballs. It was snowing like a bitch, and it was 4 degrees. But I hauled my ass back out to Gateswood yesterday, and a younger blonde named Emily took my fingerprints this time. Again, my prints were persona non grata. I explained my problem and requested that she not override the scans. After 20 minutes, we were still struggling to get my prints to “pass”. I called Andrew again, and I said,”We’ve got the images for my fingerprints up to 90% and some as high as 96%. Is that good enough?”
“What’s the problem?” He asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe, because I have really small fingers, and my pinkie fingers are crooked, which makes it difficult to get them to lay flat.”
“I see. Well, you can’t get blood from a turnip,” Andrew replied in a jovial tone. “That should be fine at 90%.”
So, here I am WAITING again. Hopefully, in a couple of days I’ll have a start date for the job I was offered 15 days ago!
To top it off, get this, Ms. Weatherby, who sent the crappy prints off to be processed, was Emily’s SUPERVISOR.
And after all this pre-employment FOREPLAY, these faceless corporate units aren’t even going to buy me lunch, much less dinner!
Last night, I decided if this job doesn’t work out, maybe, I’ll just go work at McDonald’s or UDF (United Dairy Farmers, a convenient store/gas station chain). I hear they’re hiring, or maybe, I’ll just walk down to the exit ramp from I-270 and panhandle like this one guy who was “hungry” and needed “help” – according to his homemade sign. Although one night, I saw him walk over to the parking lot beside Denny’s and climb into a very nice Nissan Rogue that looked brand new. So, that’s always a career path to fall back on as well…
TenaciousBitch and her band of truth-spouting HIPPIES