“Is your phone all set?” I asked when Jackson waltzed in the breakroom all giddy and smiling at 5:15 as promised earlier that day after he’d unveiled Gordon’s despicable motive (see my last post).
“Yes, ma’am, armed and ready,” he replied as I slipped my arm through his.
“Take one,” Jackson said laughing, encircling my waist with his other arm.
“One’s all we’ve got,” I said giggling as we sauntered into the hallway, gazing at each other as if en route to the nearest boudoir. Quite a performance since he’s gay, and I’m happily married with no intention of cheating. But Griffin and Gordon didn’t know that.
“After this, the whole office will think we’re having a thing,” I said grinning.
“Except, pardon me, but I’m pretending you’re Taye Diggs right now,” Jackson mumbled.
“Whatever works for you, baby,” I said with a giggle. “And when you’re done with him, I’ll take a turn,” I said jokingly,
Jackson busted out laughing but managed to stifle himself by buttoning his lip so as not to over-dramatize our scene.
Out on the sales floor, I could feel a dozen eyes on us. But I couldn’t tell how close we were to Griffin’s desk.
“Are they looking?” I asked.
“Yep, 2 blond idiots at 6:00,” Jackson murmured. “And about 1/3 the sales force is gawking our way as well,” Jackson said as his dark eyes swept back to mine.
“Can’t wait for the video.”
“Oscar-worthy I’m sure,” I replied.
Jackson nodded with a giggle.
To make this moment all the sweeter, I had instructed Jackson to turn on the video camera on his phone before we embarked upon our scandalous stroll down the hallway. While only part of it is on camera (momentarily), the dialogue that ensued is hysterical.
I stole a sidelong glance at the 2 Douche Bags (Griffin and Gordon). They were slumped over their desks, their eyes plucked wide open with shock and, perhaps, exasperation by mine and Jackson’s display of manufactured enrapture.
For the coup d’etat, I batted my eyes at Jackson seconds before passing Griffin’s desk and in a sultry voice, I said, “See you round 7:00, then.”
“You bet,” Jackson said softly as I sashayed toward the elevator, shaking my ass as if it were on fire… :)
Seconds later, I heard Griffin say, “Hold up, Jackson, what’s goin’ on?”
I snuck a glance over my shoulder just as Griffin stood up and wedged himself between his desk and Gordon’s, so Jackson couldn’t pass by to his own cubicle cage, not 3 feet away.
A broad, devilish smile broke out on Jackson’s face, which I’m sure the miscreants believed was from basking in the glow of our lust.
“So, what’s the story with you and Mrs. Smith?” Gordon snapped.
Jackson leaned down and quietly replied, “Well, she won’t be Mrs. Smith much longer.”
“Yeah?” Griffin asked.
“She left her husband a month ago.”
“Really?” Griffin asked. “Then, why was she such a bitch when I tried to talk to her?”
“Maybe, because you’re an asshole,” Jackson quipped, still grinning.
Gordon laughed. Griffin scowled.
At which point, I was standing at the elevator sending Jackson a text.
When Jackson’s phone made that obnoxious DING notifying him of my communique, he took his phone out and held it up so that while reading my text, he was also simultaneously recording Griffin and Gordon on video. And Jackson was so kind as to enlighten me later that evening on the phone – with the details that weren’t captured on film.
Griffin’s angry eyes cut to Gordon – when suddenly, Jackson erupted into laughter. I hadn’t mentioned the particular verbiage for my text.
“She is a naughty girl,” Jackson said.
“Who, Mrs. Smith, aka Kennedy?” Griffin demanded sarcastically. “What’d she say?”
“Not much, just how much…uh, she can’t wait to cover me in peanut butter and lap me up and down,” Jackson said, laughing.
“Seriously? The uptight woman with dark hair who just left?” Griffin sputtered. “Said THAT to you?”
“The one and only,” Jackson answered, wearing a bemused grin elicited by the two confused dimwits, whose eyes were all aglow with ideas of sexual weirdness between me and the gay man.
“Bullshit,” Gordon barked.
Jackson smiled. “Whatever. See you two dickheads later,” he said pushing past Griffin.
A couple cords of laughter rippled in the background, but Griffin and Gordon were auspiciously silent.
“Prove it,” Griffin said contemptuously.
“You didn’t hear her say she was looking forward to seeing me?”
“So what? You could be going to Bible study for all I know.”
“Oh, it’ll be biblical all right,” Jackson said with a chuckle.
Gordon laughed, but Griffin just glared at my imaginary beau.
“Okay. Let me see your phone,” Griffin insisted.
“No, that’s private. Besides, I’ve got work to do.” Jackson said, barging toward his desk.
Griffin moved closer to Jackson, growling in a low voice, “Oh, right, because there’s nothing on your phone but photos of you whackin’ off.”
Jackson and Gordon both cracked up at such a ridiculous statement. “Why the fuck would I have photos of THAT on my phone when I’ve got photos of…” Jackson began. “Never mind,” Jackson said, sitting down at his desk, while clicking over to the photo gallery on his phone. Meanwhile, the video camera was still recording every morsel of conversation.
“I don’t think so. You’re not getting off that easy,” Griffin said, grabbing Jackson’s arm.
Jackson spun around, beaming, “Well, apparently, I do, according to you…”
Gordon collapsed into nearly convulsive laughter.
“Shut up, Gordy, And yet, I’m the asshole,” Griffin said sourly…his first intelligent comment… :)
“Fine,” Jackson said with a sigh as if exhausted by their taunts, “Check this out,” he continued, thrusting his phone in Griffin’s face. Whereupon, they saw a photo of me from when I was still modeling 5 years ago. I’m lying on a pink satin bedspread in a black negligee, my double D’s tumbling forward, almost completely exposed. And, funny thing, Gordie and Griffie didn’t notice I’m 20 pounds heavier now. Their brains only registered my “boobage”.
“Oh, my God, she’s…”
“I think the word you’re looking for is beautiful, dumb ass,” Jackson said. Awwwww, Jackson, bet you say that to all the girls.
“Okay, dude,” Gordon said. “How the hell did you score a woman like that?”
“I was nice to her,” Jackson said.
At that point, Jackson said the look on Dumb and Dumber’s faces was priceless. Unfortunately, all we have on film is a shot of everyone’s shoes. However, t’was a joint epiphany for my 2 blond adversaries, revealing that, perhaps, chicanery and stupid attempts at humor are not the best way to win a woman. And apparently, Griffin’s asinine question about my blouse was his convoluted attempt at humor.
For fuck’s sake, really?
The next day Gordon or Griffin’s team went on a company retreat, and I never saw them again because my assignment at Mega ended (due to lack of work) while they were gone. So, I didn’t even get to say goodbye to those who brought me so many BELLY laughs at their expense.
But I dare say, I’ll survive.
Over and out from CASA DE CRAZY…
~TenaciousBitch and her band of truth-spouting hippies