So, I read this post this morning, which I thought was hysterical, and I wanted to re-blog it, but, apparently, I’m not smart enough to find the RE-BLOG link, or as my son, Max, is always saying that I committed an “EPIC FAIL”, so….here’s the link/ping/pong/web address/cyber condo/ coordinates – whatever:
I particularly LOVE the way she demonstrates the POWER of the Hostess Cupcake, which thank YOU GOD, are back on the shelves for those of us who put our brains on hiatus and EAT ONE once/year :)…and I commend her for being able to stop at just one bite of that boy’s face. Not sure my vampiric lust for chocolate would’ve allowed me to cease feasting until I’d eaten half his face.
And I totally feel her pain. As I stated in my comment on her post, today is DAY ONE/Ground Zero of yet another diet. However, this one shows real promise. It’s not teasing me with promises of alcohol at the end of EVERY day like Jorge Cruise’s 100 diet did.
While I did lose a few pounds on the 100 regime, it was difficult to STAY on course because it wasn’t always easy to calculate the calories in one’s sugar rations if you can’t stomach a skinny muffin, made from flax flour and water or whatever, converted to a solid in the microwave (bleh).
If it had been made from dried up glue and Styrofoam it might’ve tasted better. So, I would substitute a piece of whole wheat toast, occasionally, or maybe another piece of goat cheese. Yes, I know a muffin is not in the same food group as cheese, but I was hungry, and you don’t have to microwave cheese, now do you? Cow-wrangled cheese (ahem, dairy) is allowed on Jorge’s meal plan, so why not organic goat cheese? It’s healthier, and it’s yummy.
And while you’re allowed 2 glasses of wine, perhaps, it was too easy to overindulge because my favorite wine glass (shown below) will hold 10 OUNCES of my beloved Merlot..
And I believe if you drink TWO glasses of exquisite red vino nearly cresting the rim, such is probably too much, but it’s easy to brainwash yourself with these clever thoughts – It’s Saturday night, and the book SAYS 2 glasses…:)…until Saturday becomes Wednesday becomes Sunday, and once you’ve had 20 ounces of wine, ya gotta have more cheese, right? 🙂 And 4 weeks later, you’ve gained four pounds between the wine and the occasional must-have vanilla bean ice cream with chocolate syrup, which was definitely NOT on the list of acceptable foods…sigh, but I ran out of goat cheese. So, yes, that’s all on ME. However, I put this sign on the freezer:
Yeah, yeah, Weight Watchers magazine says CUT OUT THE NEGATIVE talk. Well, I’ve met me, and if I stand in front of the mirror and tell myself how “beautiful” I am, I’ll just start laughing and eat the damned ice cream, so tough love is in order!
Not that I think I’m ugly or anything, but I could still wiggle into size 8 shorts two years ago, and now I have to stop breathing in 30 second intervals and wrap myself in duct tape in order to zip up the size 12 shorts I just bought. But who am I kidding? Perhaps, buying a 14 might’ve been easier (BIG SIGH), but I just don’t wanna go there cuz I keep hoping I’ll wake up, and all the jogging I do in my sleep will have finally paid off, and 20 pounds has evaporated.
But so far…NOT SO MUCH. And I do still exercise 4-5 times/week, or I’d probably be sporting a double-wide caboose/size 44 pants at this point.
ANYWHO…sugar-coating the existence of unwanted waistline blubber is not going to help me! I need the mean-assed sergeant from Private Benjamin screaming at me in the form of the above-mentioned SIGN because I only buy organic ice cream that contains milk, cream, vanilla and sugar, so how bad could it be, right? It’s like coffee with more sugar, sans the coffee… 🙂
I posted notes like this around the house before, and it worked – kind of the smack to my closeted glutton-beast needed to stave off shoveling more donuts/ice cream/3 Musketeers bars into my pie-hole…:)
However, more importantly – we humans, in our mega-brainy moments, have seen fit to:
1) Fly to the moon
2) Figure out how to SIPHON fat from our bodies
3) Design hybrid electric cars that get 47 miles/ gallon
4) Design cars that can park themselves and text their owners about necessary maintenance.
5) Design telephones that will holler directions at you to the nearest Starbucks.
6) Design cars and phones that we can ORDER AROUND with one’s spoken words…how cool is that?
7) Genetically engineer plants to grow LARGER and/or make cows yield more milk
8) Design microchips that track the wanderings of our lost pets
9) Manufacture cameras the size of a gnat’s fart
10) Make DIET soda that has NO calories!
11) Create luscious-tasting beer that only has 3.9 carbs and 64 CALORIES
So, number 12 should be create DIET WINE, but you’ll notice it’s NOT on the list, and why the hell not? I don’t wanna start drinking vodka because it has no carbs. I don’t really like vodka. I want LOW-CARB MERLOT that tastes like red FUCKING wine!!
Who’s with me?
Hmmm…perhaps, I should research what kind of grapes will grow in Ohio…and stock up on Splenda..
OVER and out from everyone’s favorite BITCH and her band of truth-spouting hippies~