Archive for the dogs Category

#100!!! And, yes, it is all about the LITTLE things…:)

Posted in dogs, Family, grandmothers, humor, memoir, nonfiction, relationships, true stories, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 3, 2013 by tenaciousbitch

Two momentous events occurred today:

FIRST –  Yes! You guessed it! THIS IS MY 100TH POST on WordPress! Woohoo… now if they were better organized chronologically, etc., I’d have a new book to polish/send to publishers. Although, the first 30 posts are included in the memoir I’m working on, Stop and Smell the Crazy, which encompasses how a certain drug addict stole around $50K from Nana (go here: https://tenaciousbitch.com/2011/03/16/danny-the-stolen-cash-and-the-stripper/ …for that wild-assed tale).

SECONDLY, I did something today that millions of people do every day and probably take for granted. I took a 35-minute walk OUTSIDE in the beautiful sunshine while listening to my favorite radio station!!! Oh, the joy of being bathed in the sounds of Seether, Metallica, an old Nirvana song and a new tune from All that Remains while strolling through my suburb was just heavenly!

And I received CAT CALLS, LOL, from a couple of construction workers at the site of a new office building going up around the bend. Okay, don’t judge my GLEE about that, people…40 has been in my rearview for more than a minute, so that “Hey, baby,” from a rather hot 25-year-old wielding a shovel and a honk/wink from some 30ish guy in a dump truck is something I do NOT experience every day. Yes, such things annoyed me during my 20s, but those days are LONG gone…:)

I also met a very sweet basset hound, whose name is Buca, and when I asked my 80-year-old neighbor, Mr. Radebaugh, why his dog garnered a name akin to that of an Italian restaurant…he just shrugged and said, “You’ll have to consult a psychic on that one.”

Noting my confusion, Mr. Radebaugh proffered a whimsical smile and said, “The Mrs. named him. I didn’t really care what we called him, but the wife had some story about when she went to Italy back in the 60s, and I can’t remember what it was now. She’s been gone ’bout 3 years now.”

His face, then softened in utter sadness, and I felt horribly guilty because I didn’t realize his wife had passed, and I could spit on their house from ours. I’m such a bad neighbor.

However, I conveyed my condolences, gave Buca a solid ear-scratching and continued on my jaunt to Kroger where I dropped a letter in the mailbox out front and bought some bath soap. BONUS – I was also multitasking!

And, then, at the very end of my journey, I saw this beautiful little fellow in one of the few fields actually still existing in our Midwestern village:

BUNNY - LIKE CAM 2It’s really unusual to see a white rabbit out in the wild in Ohio especially during the daytime. They’re almost ALWAYS gray, so I wondered if he might be Cameron, Max’s bunny who ran away about 2 years ago. If not, he’s Cameron’s twin or, more likely, his offspring. Either way, I was shocked that he/she didn’t BOLT away before I snapped this photo. But at the sound of the obnoxious CLICK from my Android’s camera, he scurried into some brush a good 20 feet away before I could take a breath.

Anywho…why is my walkabout such a big deal? Well, while taking care of Nana for the last 30 months, I rarely ever walked OUTDOORS because I was always afraid that she’d fall or some other malady would occur, and Nana wouldn’t be able to call me or 911. And by the time Charlie gets home around 5-5:30, I’m usually in happy hour MODE, ready to crash on the chaise lounge out back or in the hot tub in the winter, and not in the “let’s rival Susan Powter/the Biggest Loser/Denise Austen” frame of mind…

Therefore, though I’ve heard it 1,000 times, today’s life lesson: Definitely don’t take the little things for granted cuz you never know when they might be gone/not possible…and I vowed to try to walk/jog about my block every day from now on (or at least 4/5 times/week – weather permitting) so that, maybe, by next fall, I can look like this again…

LL IN BLUE JEAN SKIRTYeah, that’s really me when I was still modeling – when I was 42ish, I think…sigh…too little time to exercise and much of Nana’s need for SWEETS translated into my wolfing down just a couple BITES of cake (that often turned into large pieces of cake) and sometimes overindulging in my beloved Merlot added 22 pounds to my behind. I wore a size 6 in that photo. Now, I wear a 12 (ugh), and I know that’s not OBESE, but my blood pressure and my cholesterol are higher than they should be as well. So…I’m doing Jorge Cruise’s 100 diet and the whole MORE CARDIO pledge…:)

That said, OVER AND OUT from f-cked up central…:)

TenaciousBITCH and her band of truth-spouting hippies…

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© Tenacious Bitch 2013

Post #99 – Still unhappy, but there is a dog named SUE…

Posted in dogs, Family, humor, memoir, nonfiction, relationships, Travel, true stories, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 28, 2013 by tenaciousbitch

Do you hear it? No? It’s the SOUND of silence…:). The Food Channel isn’t squawking over the monitor in my office! No, I’m not ignoring Nana, and she’s still kicking.

The moment described in: https://tenaciousbitch.com/2013/05/08/post-95-what-i-cant-say-to-nana-maude-while-buying-mega-champagne/   …. has come to fruition. It took a month of research, a voluminous passel of online forms, many phone calls and several HOURS packing up Nana’s 51-pound suitcase, but she is now living in a 5-star nursing home, Greenlawn Retirement Home in Georgia. It’s 5 miles from where she lived for 52 years!

As you can imagine, all the prep work necessitated my absence from these hallowed cyber halls. So, my apologies for that…:). But THANK GOD, the airline didn’t charge $90.00 for Nana’s obese valise.

However, nursing home care requires a SEPARATE Medicaid application, which hasn’t been approved yet. Therefore, please say mega prayers for its acceptance. Otherwise, we’ll owe $5200 for her 30-day tenure at Greenlawn, and she’ll have to endure another grueling journey north. Her income is well below the maximum allowed, but even a minor error committed while navigating the mean streets of Georgia’s RED TAPE, could mean rejection.

Sadly, Nana was stunned by the news of her relocation. Apparently, my constant dialogue about our massive credit card debt/bleak finances caused by her financial baggage was lost on her. She was silent at first, but then, she started weeping. And I think Charlie felt worse than I did.

He kept saying, “We really don’t want to do this, but we’re broke”, which is true, and our debt isn’t going to dissipate until I can work FULL-TIME.

However, later on, she was THRILLED about living in Georgia again, with its balmy climate, and she can see all of her friends.

Our trip southward was no vacation, but I can’t say enough GOOD things about the staff of American Airlines and the Columbus/Jacksonville airports. Someone was always ready to assist with bags/a wheelchair/whatever. They made EVERYTHING pretty painless.

On the other hand, there’s a reason we call Nana – QUEEN MAUDE. And I realize that Nana can’t help being cold all the time. She’s NINETY-SIX. However, she’s often completely ridiculous.

We arrived at the La Quinta Inn (courtesy of Ben and Allicia’s Amex points!!) around 9:15 our first night. Not five minutes later, Nana said, “I won’t be able to sleep with that air condition on. I’m already freezing!” And, yes, she says it just like that: AIR CONDITION – without the ING, a Southern-ism, I guess.

“How about I turn it up to 75?” I offered.

Nana frowned.

“It’s 95 degrees out. I cannot sleep without air.”

Nana sighed.

“I’ll turn it up, and you bundle up with all the blankets on and see if you’re still cold.”

But Nana wouldn’t budge, so the AC went off, and after much discussion, I reserved another room for me. I was bleary-eyed exhausted, and I got nauseous after 64 minutes sans FREON-cooled air.  I hated leaving her alone – even two doors down, but I didn’t know what else to do.

When I returned from booking another room, Nana said, “I need another blanket.”

“Why? The AC is off.”

Nana shook her head while giving the comforter an angry toss. “I can’t sleep with these, this thing-”

OMG…here we go. “What’s wrong with the blankets?” I asked, dreading her bizarro reply.

“Feel of them,” she snipped as if her bedding was manufactured from decomposing body parts…

I felt the sparkling white linen and ordinary cotton bedspread and shrugged.

“They’re perfectly fine. What’s wrong with them?” If they were a DARK color, THAT would be cause for hating the allegedly awful bedding because Nana will only tolerate PASTELS. She once demanded another room during a 3-day hospital stay in 2008 because the curtains were dark brown…

“I just don’t like the feel of them.”

I argued with her relentlessly, but she persisted. So, I called the front desk, knowing she wasn’t going to shut up until I did. After 30 minutes, 2 phone calls and a trip to the office where, of course, they had no blankets, I was ready to strangle Nana.

“I can’t believe they don’t have any blankets. What kind of hotel is this?”

“The best we could afford, Nana – a FREE, 3-star hotel,” I answered. “And it’s JUNE for heaven sake. All of the Eastern seaboard is experiencing unseasonably WARM temperatures,” I stammered.

Nana just grimaced.

At 11:45, another fucking BLANKET still hadn’t arrived. I sat at the desk, my shoulders drooping while contemplating adding a stiff blast of bourbon to Nana’s bedtime tea – when she asked…

“You okay?”

“I’m dying to take a shower. I think my sweat is SWEATING because it’s so damned hot in here.”

Nana’s lip quivered, and I immediately regretted that remark, evoked by the guilt from banishing my Grandmother to a HOME. But she could’ve worn a sweater over her pajamas like I KEPT suggesting or swaddled herself up in the supposedly icky bed clothes, and she would’ve been FINE. Then, I could’ve turn on the AC a tad and slept in the FREE ROOM. BUT NO…welcome to the nightmare known as Nana MAUDE’s universe…

“Go on. I’ll be fine,” she said.

I had stayed fearing she’d have trouble with the dead bolt (with her arthritis) – or she’d forget to lock the door.

At midnight, I relented and went to MY room. She remembered the lock and the DO NOT DISTURB sign, but I didn’t rest easy. And, GUESS WHAT? Another blanket never appeared, and she slept just fine on the less than-Laura Ashley SHEETS, etc.

Unfortunately, her doctor (of 30+ years) didn’t sign Medicaid’s authorization form the next day, so they couldn’t admit her to Greenlawn yet.

In lieu of sleeping in separate rooms again, I booked a suite at the Marriott. I stayed there before (RE: https://tenaciousbitch.com/2011/03/24/mrsa-the-onions-and-red-lobste/  )…

Anyway…the Marriott has a bedroom, and…

KITCHEN 3a kitchenette, which was nice because we had breakfast in our room, in lieu of making it to the FREE continental meal before 9 AM. Nana took the bedroom, immediately cranking the HEAT, and I slept on the slab of concrete/sofa bed, with the AIR CONDITIONING chugging away. So, I spent $150 for 2 extra rooms because HER Highness wouldn’t compromise. Is it any WONDER that we racked up so much debt because of her?

FINALLY, two days later, on JUNE 21st, 2013, Nana was admitted to Greenlawn.  She got weepy when I left for the hotel that evening, but thank you, JESUS, thus far, she LIKES the food at GREENLAWN! Check out: https://tenaciousbitch.com/2012/06/28/post-66-baloney-porn-or-is-it-bologna-porn/ as to WHY that’s so AWESOME…

By the time I departed Georgia, Nana seemed happier than she’s been in months – even though yesterday on the phone, she said, “I’m unhappy, and I’ll always be, but I’m making the best of it…and Boots sat on my lap today.”

BOOTS 2Boots, one of Greenlawn’s pets, and Ms. Pickles, another cat who scurried away before I snapped this photo (so named because she LOVES pickles, and she’ll snatch yours right off your plate if you’re not looking). Nana loves cats, AND the dog named SUE, pictured below…

DOG NAMED SUE 2… a really sweet Shi-Zhu, who belongs to one of the administrators. And don’t you LOVE the ponytail? 🙂

Despite the obvious adjustments, I really think Greenlawn is the best place for her. She’s rarely alone, and they have lots of activities like a middle-aged crooner belting out Nana’s favorite Frank Sinatra tune her first day there during “happy hour” at 3:30, LOL.

AND they have a beauty shop on site! What’s better than that? 🙂

Anywho…thanks for suffering through my laborious account about Nana’s new digs…

Over and out from the now QUIET abode of TENACIOUS BITCH and her band of truth spouting hippies…~TB

Post #85 – Stupid humans and their magic puppy powder…

Posted in dogs, Family, humor, nonfiction, true stories, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 by tenaciousbitch

I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet yesterday, and I found this flea and tick powder…

FLEA - TIC POWDER…that looked rather old. While searching for the expiration date, I happened upon these intelligent words on the back of the container:

Also works for lice – if a problem

Now, I ask you, when are LICE not a problem? LOL, um, when they’re dead and have been removed from one’s hair/fur/upholstery/carpet/clothing, etc.?

And when is the exact moment lice become an issue if not when merely squatting upon my beloved best friend according to the wise manufacturer of this wondrous powder for puppies? Is it in the event that said lice have decided to build a fire in the forest of Lassie’s fur?

Or is it when they get all settled in and start hooking up with each other and begin spawning their own FAMILIES? And then, you’ve got, not just a few vermin, but a regular zombie apocalypse of the LICE persuasion…okay, maybe not, but you GET the idea…:)

However, THEN, do the sleeper cells of your poison launch an attack on the unsuspecting lice? Or is it later when the lice have built condos and are electing local officials there upon the grasslands of our poor pooch’s pelt?

And now the poor beast is whining and scratching all night long, keeping us awake until the wee hours. At which point, many of newborn lice begin to migrate to the drapes, the couch and carpet, etc…and not even the industrial sized carpet cleaning/pest controlling promising cleansers/bombs can blast those tiny, disgusting parasites from your house…

I assume then, we must somehow INFORM the powder that YES, the lice have become a nuisance/aka a problem!

And how does this magical anti-flea/tick/lice remedy work, anyway? Must we utter a mystical incantation to COMMAND this crazy-assed, pest concoction to gank the stragglers among the lice community, or shall we just instruct the DOG to inform the flea powder, that, yes, in fact, the lice have become problematic?

Yes, Raven (our black lab) and Bear (our German Shepherd/Chow mix) I see you shaking your heads. But rolling your eyes? More effort than these clowns deserve.

Ah, but the answer is SIMPLE (not to be confused with the ANSWER to infection – ? don’t get that – go watch 28 DAYS LATER already). After all, everyone knows that lice hate hip hop. So, just crank up some Eminem, ‘Lil Jon, 50 Cent, Flo Rida, Pit Bull—whomever is your favorite.

And I guarantee, the suitcases will be snapping, and the lice be hauling their pesky presence elsewhere, maybe EVEN next door. And what better revenge if you don’t happen to like your neighbor or his rather mean-mouthed cat who occasionally poops in your prize-winning hibiscus? Am I right, or am I right?

Stupid humans. Think before you tattoo your ignorance across thousands of canisters of pet products to be jeered and laughed at – at a pet store near you…ah, well, I needed a good giggle…and Bear would be laughing too if he weren’t so OVER most of us damned homo sapiens anyway…

Lassie, Raven, Rover, Bear and I must go now…time to see what kind of brilliance might’ve been scrawled across their gourmet bag of kibble…or maybe, we’ll just take a nap…

Over and out from fucked up central…:)

TenaciousBITCH and her band of truth-spouting, Non-FDA/non-terrorist kind of people…

NOTE: All of the contents/material herein whether such has been written/drawn/stapled/copied and/or photographed by TenaciousBitch on http://www.tenaciousbitch.com has all been copyrighted by Tenacious Bitch and her alter ego, who shall remain nameless for the moment (or maybe, it’s Kennedy Smith).

© Tenacious Bitch 2013